Stupidgate

Yeah, it's probably been said before, but why do people insist on calling every scandal and attempted "coverup" that's out there "every scandal and attempted 'coverup' that's out there-gate?"

You've got CBS memogate, the Clintons' travelgate, and, of course, Janet Jackson's nipplegate. More recently, we've been subjected to Foleygate, Katrinagate and Macacagate. Enough with the "gates" already. Sheesh.

82

How long are YOU gonna live?

According to a site called Living To 100 I'm gonna croak at 82 if I don't get my crap together.

Now, if do a better job of flossing my teeth every night, cutting back red meat consumption to 1-2 days a week, and groping myself more regularly to check for testicular lumps, WHAMMO, I can tack on three more years.

And that's nothing! If I cut out the fast food, lower the dairy consumption (blasted cheese addiction!) and start taking an asprin each day (preferrably in the evening), the site says I can expect an extra 8 years of wonderful livin'.

I'd do the rest of the stuff they suggested, but who wants to live much past 90 anyway? Eternity awaits, and I hear it's way cooler than mortality.

Anniversary

Just to be clear: contrary to what that redneck lady said in church, it's NOT possible to have a 6 month anniversary. Look it up in a dictionary already.

However, it IS possible to have a 2nd anniversary, like I did yesterday. Way to go: my wife and me.

Flat-front pants

A nice pair of dress pants (or seven) is an important part of any young professional's wardrobe.

Last week, I purchased some new slacks for work. I like them. They are snazzy. But there's one problem with them (at least if you ask my wife): they all have pleats.

I have been informed that flat-front pants, contrary to what I have always believed, are "slimming." Pleats "add unnecessary bulk to the waistline."

Maybe my eyes are broken. I've always observed the exact opposite. I think flat-front pants make my belly look like it could shelter a child from a rainstorm. Or a dwarf. Apparently, I am wrong. (This happens frequently now that I am married.)

I think this whole slimming thing is complete crap. Look at the guy in the picture to the right. Dude's already slim. No matter what pants he's got on, the guy's going to look slim. If you want to back up the whole slimming thing you should squeeze someone beefy into a pair and then judge.

My wife also informs me that flat-front pants are "in." I don't even know what to say about that.

She did bring up the magnificent point that jeans are a type of flat-front pants and that I wear them all the time. This is true, but I don't tuck in my shirt when wearing jeans -- my shirt covers the front of them. With all due respect, her point, for me, is therefore moot.

"Biddy biddy biddy"

Ever wish you could look into the future and see how your life turned out? I do. Usually, it's right around the time I have to make some sort of life-altering decision, like: what should I do with the rest of my life? Yeah, seeing into the future would pretty much be great at a time like that.

Remember that one TV show, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century?

Basic plot: In 1987 NASA launches a deep space probe piloted by Buck Rogers. Something goes wrong, Buck goes into cryogenic suspension, and wakes up in 2491. Hilarity ensues.

I bet ol' Buck would have never stepped foot in that fancy spaceship if he'd had the slightest inkling what lay in store for him. I mean, sure, he got to kick it with lil' robot buddy Twiki and make out with the foxy Colonel Wilma Deering. But all things said and done, I bet he would have prefered old Chicago to New Chicago. If for nothing else, the Bears (who as of this moment are 7-0.) That, and beautiful, deep-dish pizza.