Butt rocker the modern mountain man

I was thumbing through my new guitar magazine today, the one with sharp-dressed Billy Gibson (of ZZ Top fame) on the cover, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today's butt rocker - Zakk "Attakk" Wylde (right) being perhaps the ultimate prototype - is no less than the modern day mountain man.

Balderdash? Consider the similarities - both are/were unshorn, nomadic, wily and enigmatic. And just as the mountain man of yesteryear wandered the earth in search of securing his place in history, today's butt rocker tours relentlessly, engaged in similar pursuit. Sold-out concerts? Nothing more than a latter-day rendezvous, complete with trades of wampum (your hard earned cash) for beaver pelts (that totally awesome black Ozzy t-shirt with all the tour dates printed on back).

And I don't have to tell you about the ladies ... back in the day all you had to do was mention Jim Bridger, Kit Carson, and John "The Pathfinder" Fremont and females would shortly be fanning themselves. I ask you: which self-respecting woman of the 21st century doesn't want to catch a rock god's sweat-drenched towel thrown between heat-inducing guitar solos?

I could go on, but probably won't because I shouldn't.

Movies with Bill

Is it just me or is Captain Kirk insane? First the dude sells his kidney stone for charity and now you can join the William Shatner DVD Club.

This is scary. Slightly appealing, but scary.

Other clubs I think I don't want to join include:

The Bon Jovi Fan Club,
Mr. Ring's Math Club,
and the Serbian Juggling Club.

But that's just me.

Costco power lunch

If you haven't done this, well dude, you should. It's called the Costco Power Lunch®. And here's how it works:

1. Go to Costco any weekday at about noon (avoid weekends -- trust me on this).
2. Head to the back of the store.
3. Go around the "horn of plenty," sampling your way to the food concessions at the front of the store.
4. Buy yourself a $1.50 hot dog (comes with a refillable drink).
5. Eat it.
5. Go back to #2 and repeat until full.

My buddy Matt and I would do this every couple of weeks when he was in law school. It hit the spot every time. And, thanks to the magic power of hot dogs, I would frequently feast on that yummy all-beef flavor the rest of the day.

The key to a good CPL® vs. a bad one: timing. If you can do things just right -- and this requires you a.) walk at a leisurely pace b.) occasionally stop to "smell" the Costco roses and c.) chat it up with the old or socially awkward sample "chefs" -- you can get one (or two -- see etiquette guide #2) of every single sample the store is offering on a given day.

Some CPL® etiquette:

1. Don't hover over the sample chefs if a sample isn't ready to go. This makes them nervous and can lead to stalling. Especially wrinkly old chefs.
2. Don't get greedy. Sometimes you can get more than one sample if there are few people in the store, but don't be taking food out of the mouth of that kid who always tries to butt in front of you in line, even though the little bastard deserves it.
3. Don't ask the sample chefs any questions about their tasty wares -- they really don't want to have to tell you where in the freezer isle you can get those japeleno poppers, and you both know you really don't plan on buying them, anyway.

(Nearly) dead man walking

This is quickly turning into the place I let everybody in the whole world know I am a frail and sickly person.

Yes, the rumors are true: I have the walking pneumonia. What's the difference between that and normal, everyday sedentary pneumonia you ask? The doctor was short on detail, but I gathered it's just a lesser form of the dreaded disease that doesn't put you in bed. That's all well and good, but to assuage my disease-infested ego, I'd like to think this was a full-blown, put-you-in-a-wheelchair version of pneumonia and that my robust immune system tackled it to the ground and gave it a noogie, thus allowing me to continue perambulating. But that's probably not the case...

The evidence suggests that I have the world's worst immune system. Since getting married in November of 2004 I have had:

• Two violent bouts of food poisoning that I thought might finish me off.


• No fewer than 8 colds, each wicked and severe. Many of them occurred within days of each other.


• A double ear infection that required two different courses of antibiotics to cure.


• Several bouts with dizzy spells, headaches and general muscle/body aches.


• A rash that inexplicably exploded on my face and took several weeks to fully dissipate.


• And, oh yeah, I almost contracted hantavirus (but you knew that).

There's been some other stuff I'm probably forgetting but that's because there's been so much illness in my general vicinity.

The secretary at work feigned concern when I called to explain why I wouldn't be in yesterday and then oh-so-subtly suggested I stay home today as well. I figured that because she's like-102 years old that she's afraid of catching something. What a weakling.

Up all night

I am up at 2:40 a.m. because:

1.) I can't get enough of my corporate finance accounting. (Spreadsheets are the best!)
2.) I drank what must have been a double-shot diet Pepsi about an hour before bedtime. And
3.) When I did try to go to bed I coughed so much (yes, I am sick again) that I kept waking up my pregnant wife. For those of you about to embark on the wonderful journey of pregnancy, one thing I advise you is to let your wife sleep NO MATTER WHAT. Trust me on this. The person who created the cliche "let sleeping dogs lie" obviously didn't procreate.

So here I am. Typing. Trying to get sleepy.

The worst part: I know that when I do finally go to sleep I will want to keep doing so right past 8 a.m., the drop-dead time I must rise to prepare for a glorious day's work.

I guzzled some Vicks NyQuil about 30 minutes ago. It seems to have stopped the cough, but as of yet, no drowsiness to report. Vick is a way-cool name for somebody thuggish, don't you think? It screams thug. Oh, and Vinny, too.

I just realized something very important: this entry almost completely sucks. But that won't keep me from posting it. No sir. I am perfectly okay with being mediocre every once in a while. It kind of acts like a sorbet between courses, refreshing one's sense of taste and prepping the stomach for more of what is to come.

Body! By the power of Vick I command thee: Sleep!

Cold cocked

Some of you have been asking me if I was in a knife fight or a bar room brawl. The answer: that would be way cooler than the lame story of how I really got a bloody gash on the upper bridge of my nose.

Yesterday I opened my mailbox to find a gas bill that took no prisoners. Immediately, I began to think of any and all ways to keep this tragedy from happening again. Presto! I scurried, which I do quite well, to the furnace to change its dirty, dirty filter. As I lifted the latch to the furnace's innards, the latch above the latch I was opening (yes, I realize that's a lot of latches) didn't like me messing with its downstairs neighbour. It swung down in violet fashion crashing down on my distinguished proboscis.

Yes, I did see stars. Also: comets, asteroids and various geo-synchronized satellites. After all, this was a heavy and a jealous latch.

After returning to planet Earth, I was impressed with my OWN self that I managed not to swear just then. No, instead I waited a whole three minutes to do that in front of my beautiful wife, who exclaimed/questioned as I came to the top of the stairs, "Oh my gosh! What happened to your face?" Apparently, I was profusely bleeding from a cut, which I had failed to notice earlier. I looked in the bathroom mirror, only to see Stephen King's Carrie staring back at me. Okay, my nose wasn't as bad as being drenched in the unholy blood of beasts, but seeing it marred and mussed did cause me to utter forth an unholy expletive. For which I am ashamed. And I promise it will never happen again.

Sick as a dog in June

Speaking of being sick, at home and in bed, I am, too!

The flu, which has been particularly bad this year in Utah and California (I guess she decided to skip Nevada), has finally caught up with me ... for a second time. I'm just lucky like that. I chalk it up to the fact I am the firstborn male in my family. This position of privilige entitles me, under the ancient patriarchal order, to a double portion. And when it comes to infectious diseases that lay you flat on your back for at least 24 hours, I say count me in ... twice!

Yes, I've already used ellipses ( ... ) two times in this post. You'll soon find that I really like them. I mean, nothing says "pause pause pause" quite like ellipses do.

But back to the flu. I think I got it from my wife, who got it from me two weeks ago. It's like a never ending cycle of pestilence.

Managerial accounting

Now if THAT's not a boring title for my latest entry, I don't know what is!

Alas, the bliss that was my near-month-long break from business school comes to an end tomorrow. Officially, that is. As of today I am already doing homework for tomorrow night's class. Or not doing homework, as the case may be. Yes, I am procrastinating and allowing myself to be distracted.

Distraction is much easier than it's ever been, thanks to the internet, don't you think? You can be just about anywhere except where you are supposed to be in just a few clicks. So far I've been off to magic Tivo-land, Ain't it Cool News and the Creeper Lagoon message board. And I'm just gettting started. So screw the managerial accounting homework and the memo I have to turn in at the start of class. I'm going to check out some of Strong Bad's emails. So there.